stray balloon.

yesterday we had dinner at ecp, and after dinner we took a short stroll along the beach.

going back to a place of past, staring at the huge mound of sand, i realized what a heartless person i can be. or must seem to be.

i've never been one to look back and dwell much on the past. yes, occasionally i do reminisce and wish i can return to different points in my life, my childhood, days in st nicks, etc., times when i felt happier. but perhaps they were more of wistful thoughts than any real desire to go back in time.

and it is the same for people. people i meet, on different occasions, at different points in life, doing things together. people i formed a bond with at one point or another. it's like the moment the common interest or activity holding us together ceases, the bond that ties me to them breaks as well, and i find myself floating away like a stray balloon. how is it that everyone else is still able to stay together, while i am blown away by the wind? and no matter how they call to me, try to catch hold of me, i am out of reach, floating away, riding on the caprice of the wind. away, always away.

or maybe it is not the caprice of the wind at all. maybe it is my choice, maybe more conscious than not. because there are still groups of friends and individuals i keep in contact with, and they are people dear to my heart. people i make the effort to stay in contact with. i guess i am just self-centred after all. i choose the people who stay, and i walk away from everyone else without looking back. maybe it's always been like that. but i do not know how else to live my life. somehow, i always end up floating away. hello how are you, my name is Elusive.

but that is not to say i forget. i remember every group of friends, each individual i've met. at some point in my life our paths crossed, and there must be some reason for that chance meeting, however brief. and even if the reason remains unknown.


i'm just constantly fading in and out of people's lives.