Marking another milestone, with much love and gratitude

So I've finally graduated from law school, and this marks the end of 16 years of formal education. This is going to be a long thank-you post dedicated to everyone who has helped and supported me along the way, in one form or another. 

First and foremost, the parents, without whom I'd literally be nothing. To the ones who have always been with me - thank you for your unconditional love, thank you your understanding and your encouragement, thank you for sharing my joy and my tears, and for supporting me in my choices in life. Cliche it may sound, but everything I am, I owe to you, and a million thank-yous would not be able to convey my gratitude. 

To my SN clique (sans rondie in the picture), it's been 8 years, and even though we were not always together in that time, I always feel a little better knowing that we have one another, and I hope we will always stay this way even as we move on to the next chapter in our lives. 

To my law school sisters and 红粉知己s - so much love for the both of you. Days of tedious mugging, spontaneous pigging out sessions, clubbing nights, ridiculous/inappropriate remarks and messages, plain nonsense, hthts, etc etc, the past four years would not have been the same without the two of you, and I'm so glad we went through this together. Law school may have ended, but I think we will continue the same as before, won't we?

Important people who helped / supported / dragged me through law school, whether by lending me notes and muggers, buying me candy and chocolates, treating me to food and beer and coffee, forcing me to go to school to study or listening to me whine, thank you so much, you guys brightened my university days and made the tedious days more bearable.

"People do fall in love, people do belong to each other, because that's the only chance anybody's got for real happiness." 

Thank you for all the things, big and small, that you've done, thank you for your patience and thank you for making me so happy. 

Of course, there are so many other people to thank, especially my close friends who are not pictured here, but you know who you guys are. Random outings, texts, hthts, etc, I'm grateful to have so many beacons of light shining in my life. 

It has not been an easy journey, and there are days when I was so tired I just felt like giving up, and days when I doubted all the choices I ever made and wondered what the hell I was doing. But I made it through. And so this is the end, but it is also the start of something new. To exciting times ahead!

Do what you like, like what you do

So we're already into our fourth week of school. How is it that time seems to be zooming by at double the speed in our final semester?? And I'm still slowly getting my engine started. 

These days I've been lacking the inspiration to pen down thoughts, or do anything else for that matter. So many grand plans and thoughts floating around in my head, but it's hard to organize them into anything coherent and worth noting down. 

Chinese new year is coming, and this year it feels different, what with everything that has happened and is happening in the family. I can feel myself drifting away, I can feel a barrier forming. 

Sometimes I think we are such insignificant beings, so tiny, so helpless. Nothing more than a mere speck of dust in the bigger scheme of things. And yet in our daily lives we go about feeling so self-entitled, so important, as if we really matter. Or squabbling over trivial things, as if they really matter. 

“That is why it is so important to let certain things go. To release them. To cut loose. People need to understand that no one is playing with marked cards; sometimes we win and sometimes we lose. Don’t expect to get anything back, don’t expect recognition for your efforts, don’t expect your genius to be discovered or your love to be understood. Complete the circle. Not out of pride, inability or arrogance, but simply because whatever it is no longer fits in your life. Close the door, change the record, clean the house, get rid of the dust. Stop being who you were and become who you are.”

- Paul Coelho

Read: The way I am around you

Sorrow fills the silence all around

Sitting alone at the funeral parlour along a stretch of funeral parlours. I'm sure there are a few people around at the other wakes in the other parlours, but I don't hear sounds right now. Or maybe I'm the only waking soul around here... Daddy's asleep in the car, and Aunt is asleep in the parlour. The only sounds are the whirring of the fans and the Buddhist chant playing repeatedly on the recorder. So I'm sitting here alone, armed with my macbook, ipod and handphone. And a bottle of water and a packet of fruit and nuts. If something spooky happens, I'm just going to scream loud enough to wake the dead...

I'm quite sleepy, but Daddy and Aunt must be exhausted. Holding and coordinating a wake is such a mentally draining matter. So many people came to attend the wake, and I guess it's good in a way 'cause when you have guests to entertain you tend to put aside your sorrow for the moment. And it shows how dearly beloved Grandpa was and the strong support network the family members have, to have people come down at moment's notice just to offer their condolences. And generous cash donations. But the downside of a crowd is that you cannot get a private moment to grief alone. Which is why I'm here for the second time in two nights, too tired but unable to sleep, sitting next to my Grandpa's coffin in the dead of night. Still trying to come to terms with the death of a dearly beloved. 

I think when someone you love passes on, the sadness of it never really passes. It may be grief with a sharp edge at first, pain that cuts deep and makes you cry. Maybe over time, it will become a kind of  sorrow that tinges your memories of that person, making it bittersweet. Time heals wounds, but it leaves its mark as well. Maybe this is how we learn. It might sound cliche, but you really never know how important something is until you lose it. 

A very grateful thank-you to dear friends who have offered words of consolation and comfort. Especially J, Kitty and Ling who made a special effort to come and find me, even though I wasn't good company and didn't talk much. I really appreciate it, more than you know (':

Afterlife (or afterdeath)

"What if there is nothing after life?" I wanted to ask her. "What if, when you die, that was really it? Your body and your soul, if they can even be separated into two entities, are simply snuffed out, like a candle flame in the wind? What if there is no better place that you go on to, to begin another part of your journey? What if you simply go back to being the stardust and ash that we were all made from?" So many questions, but it was not the time to ask (it is never the time to ask), because nobody wanted to hear them. Nobody knows the answer anyway.

I think finality scares people. The thought that when you die, you are reduced back to the nothingness that you came from. So we create the idea of a soul, something intangible that can last forever, even after our bodies have long rotted away. We create the idea of something after, of simply moving on to the next part of our journey. Of someone guiding us on to a happier place, whichever religion you may be. We cling on to the idea as desperately as we cling on to life, wanting to believe, comforting ourselves with that belief, because it would be too terrifying otherwise; the thought of utter oblivion, non-existence, like you never were.

Or maybe I am wrong. I'm sure everyone has their own viewpoint on this, but there's no way anyone can really know, unless you're dead. For myself, right now I cannot say I am afraid; somehow the thought of oblivion attracts me, but I shall see when my time comes. I think more than death, I fear the life unlived. But the irony is that I do not seem to be doing much with my life.

-----

I was swinging back and forth between conflicting emotions like a pendulum, but right now I'm curiously calm - I think I've accepted it as an inevitability. 

I always knew, always always - I spent my emo teenage years crying over the human condition, crying over everything and nothing, always always feeling sad. 

But this is different, this is too close to home, too close to heart. When you really have to face it, death and the inescapability of it, somehow you find yourself at a loss. Especially when it happens to your loved ones. 但生离死别是人生必经历的事，所以再舍不得也得学着接受。

The bro goes to Tekong & other happenings

So on 6th June the parents and I sent my lil bro off to Tekong to go be a man (': It's been a little over a week, I wonder how he's doing in there.

On the ferry to Tekong

Visiting the bunks

Concerned parents and relatives

A father even whipped up the bedsheets to check that the mattress was from King Coil. His daughter asked if he would like to try lying on the bunk bed as well to test it out.

Seaview for the bunks by the window

Presentation by the officer in charge

The meal by the caterers

The caterer uncle totally glanced at me, then dumped 1/3 the amount of rice he gave my brother and my dad onto my plate (-_-) What if I had been a big eater? *irrationally offended* ...but of course I am not. As it was I could barely finish everything and had to save the apple for later. 

Gathering and trooping off after lunch

-----

In other news, this is a glimpse of what I've been up to while staying cooped up at home:

Teru teru bozu and little fairy say hi!

I'm slowly amassing a huge army of amigurumi critters, because that's the Project of the Summer. That and the ever ongoing project of attempting to scrapbook my travel photos. Which number thousands...just thinking about it makes me tired. Anyhow, I shall do a craft post introducing all my amigurumi soon~

Travelogue: Halong Bay, Vietnam

A photolog, 'cause pictures speak better and i'm just lazy

On the way to Halong Bay

The view from our hotel room

Slacking the moment we arrive

Stroll to the seaside

Jump shot!

I've always had this fascination with boats

With the sibs - I have an inability to coordinate a smile and a jump

We actually have no idea what the sign says but we happily posed with it anyway

The Vietnam flag and colorful buntings

♥ this shot

Fantastic sunset

Cheap beer

Seafood for dinner

The view we woke up to

But after breakfast...

It started pouring and we were told to wait before we were allowed out to sea

The downpour quickly became a drizzle and the sky cleared

Rowing boat going under the bridge

Small rowing boat amongst bigger boats

The guide says there are about 500 of these tourist boats, owned by different companies

On board our private boat (^-^)V

Picturesque

The crew passing the ingredients for our lunch from one boat to the other 'cause the boat we were on couldn't get the license to go out to sea for the day

Upper deck

Mummy dearest

Sissy

Daddy

Lounging on the deck

You gotta be unglam to get nice shots

According to height...

Limestone cave

Fantastical formations

Our guide pointing out some obvious figurines formed by the limestones

Jellyfish

Floating platforms where boats can dock to buy fresh seafood or even ask to have a meal whipped up

Karsts

Lunch on board!

Fighting cocks - symbol of Halong bay

And the sky darkened right after we got to shore...

Hoan Kiem lake, Hanoi - the name means literally, 'return sword'

Bonsai - expensive in Vietnam so people rent them for festive holidays instead of buying them

Old men playing chess outside the temple

Water puppet show

And the next day we were too lazy to go out so we slept in and after breakfast we made our way to the airport.