Sorrow fills the silence all around

Sitting alone at the funeral parlour along a stretch of funeral parlours. I'm sure there are a few people around at the other wakes in the other parlours, but I don't hear sounds right now. Or maybe I'm the only waking soul around here... Daddy's asleep in the car, and Aunt is asleep in the parlour. The only sounds are the whirring of the fans and the Buddhist chant playing repeatedly on the recorder. So I'm sitting here alone, armed with my macbook, ipod and handphone. And a bottle of water and a packet of fruit and nuts. If something spooky happens, I'm just going to scream loud enough to wake the dead...

I'm quite sleepy, but Daddy and Aunt must be exhausted. Holding and coordinating a wake is such a mentally draining matter. So many people came to attend the wake, and I guess it's good in a way 'cause when you have guests to entertain you tend to put aside your sorrow for the moment. And it shows how dearly beloved Grandpa was and the strong support network the family members have, to have people come down at moment's notice just to offer their condolences. And generous cash donations. But the downside of a crowd is that you cannot get a private moment to grief alone. Which is why I'm here for the second time in two nights, too tired but unable to sleep, sitting next to my Grandpa's coffin in the dead of night. Still trying to come to terms with the death of a dearly beloved. 

I think when someone you love passes on, the sadness of it never really passes. It may be grief with a sharp edge at first, pain that cuts deep and makes you cry. Maybe over time, it will become a kind of  sorrow that tinges your memories of that person, making it bittersweet. Time heals wounds, but it leaves its mark as well. Maybe this is how we learn. It might sound cliche, but you really never know how important something is until you lose it. 

A very grateful thank-you to dear friends who have offered words of consolation and comfort. Especially J, Kitty and Ling who made a special effort to come and find me, even though I wasn't good company and didn't talk much. I really appreciate it, more than you know (':