Running away. I've been running away for months now. Dragging my feet, procrastinating and just generally avoiding even thinking about my own future. When people ask, I just give an unsure "I don't know...", a confused smile and a slight shake of my head. Like if I don't think about it it will go away.
Must I go down the same straitlaced, conventional path? I balk at the idea of it. How is it that some people know, know with such conviction, what they want? Do they not question themselves? Do they not stop to think if something is what they really want? Or maybe it is what they want. Some cannot wait to get out there into the working world, to start earning their own money, be financially independent, etc. Or maybe for some it is just the way of the world; you study, you graduate, you work, you retire. The way things are meant to be. But how grey a view of life. Maybe they don't mind that. But I do not want to go through life not minding the things I do. I want to want them.
Maybe I question myself (and life) overmuch. Maybe I am asking for too much.
But for me the thought of jumping straight into the working world is scarier than skydiving (not that I've skydived, yet. But I would in a heartbeat). For once you join the rat race, it would take a lot to get out. most people don't, at least not until they retire.
I go around asking for advice, but I know I have to find the answer within me. And now I finally have an idea of what I want, but I have to be brave enough to go through with it. I have to want it very much.
There is also the problem of social pressure. Maybe not overtly, but it is always there. People expect you to do certain things, to behave a certain way, go a certain path. And sometimes you feel all these expectations piling on your shoulders, pressing in on all sides, so much that there is no room to breathe, no room to consider that what they expect might not actually be what you want, because the tide of their expectations just pushes you forward, and you sail along, unthinking.
I am constantly plagued with the idea that there must be something more. And this 'more' resides in this pocket of emptiness in a corner of my heart. It exists, but not quite. Because it does not know what form to take, or what it's supposed to be.
tbh, i think most of us dont know what we want, or maybe only knowing what we DONT want. we may even grow old and die without figuring all of that out. and since we cannot stop moving on and growing up, maybe we should just go with the flow and see how it works out from there !
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