vague disappointment, vague incomprehension.

occasionally on days like today i experience lapses of reality, and my brain, which is on holiday, comes back to check in on how i'm doing without it, and i'm forced to think again.

reality #1: results are out
from painful experience, i always prep myself such that i don't have much expectations or hopes, so that i won't be bitterly disappointed again. but you know, it doesn't really work. i think my brain secretly planted something in some unconscious part of my mind before it went away, 'cause when i woke up at 10am this morning and checked my phone, i surprised myself by feeling disappointed. vaguely, but the feeling's there. hi brain, what were you unconsciously hoping for, a miracle?

the strange thing is, right before i woke up i had a dream about my results. like, the actual grades i would get this time round. and guess what i got. exactly as my unconscious mind dreamt. is that creepy or what. another reason why i was surprised to feel vaguely disappointed.

oh well. but you know what, it is an improvement from previous semesters. just not as much as i'd unconsciously hoped. so maybe everything's gonna turn for the better from this point on. i have to believe that.

reality #2: human relations are incomprehensible
there is no black or white is there? there is no true/false answer to questions in relationships. people believe what they want to believe, and that's the truth of it.

i could tear apart the weak explanations in a minute, but what would be the point? clearly you want to believe them. whatever the explanation, no matter how flimsy, you want to accept them. and ultimately, it isn't about what's true and what isn't i guess. it's about what you can accept and what you want to believe. it is about feeling, not...logic? or rationality. i guess it's different from analyzing the facts of a case? there is so much more mixed into the mess of things, emotions, feelings, good memories...that reasonableness is no longer the benchmark. i don't know.

also, as a bystander one can see, perhaps more clearly, than one in the midst of it. but however much i say and persuade, the decision doesn't belong to me. and there is no saying that caught in the midst of things, i will be able to see any more clearly than any other girl. but one thing i do know is that i cannot accept people who lie to me. intentional lies, hurtful lies, lies they think are harmless...maybe i am simply more intolerant, and more...demanding?


Nobody in life gets exactly what they thought they were going to get. But if you work really hard and you’re kind, amazing things will happen.”
— Conan O’Brien